FIFTY SHADES OF DRINKING
Jun. 16th, 2012 03:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sabinelagrandeToday is an important day, flist.
Today is the day I read Fifty Shades of Grey.
I will, you understand, be liveblogging this process in this entry. I will give you the same caveats as my co-conspiratorcoffeesuperhero:
I am presently on my first few sips of beer (it was going to be cheap shitty beer, but they were having a craft beer sale for no apparent reason, so Fat Tire will be my solace) and the Acknowledgements (I am already giving them the side-eye), so check back periodically.
Here we go.
- "For Niall, the master of my universe"
Ohhhh this is gonna be outstanding. It is also reported that Niall is a "domestic god." Does anyone else suspect that Niall is a twoo dominate?
- I am two pageturns in and losing it. I don't know if I can do this.
- FLAG ON THE PLAY, USE OF THE WORD "GAMINE", LOSS OF DOWN
- Oh god, so our heroine's roommate drives a Benz and our heroine is all 'poor me' because she drives a VW Beetle. #firstworldproblems
- Her name cannot be Anastasia Steele, THIS SHIT IS CANCELED
- "The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor."
I am going to promise you something, readers: if I put something in double quotes, it is an ACTUAL quote from the book that I did NOT make up. I am not fucking you around. This is too bad for me to have made it up.
- Okay, okay, so Ana here, she has to go interview this guy who I assume is the head Dominate of this book, right? Because her sick roommate can't go to the interview, which is a bfd, and her roommate is the editor of the school paper.
DOES NO ONE ELSE WORK AT THIS NEWSPAPER
- "What is it with all the immaculate blondes?"
YOU TELL ME. I'MMA START COUNTING. I THINK THIS IS FOUR. WE ARE ON PAGE FIVE.
- OH GOD. We've already had the delightfully clumsy heroine moment, which is supposed to be endearing, but we are already past that point, man.
I am legit going to have to slam this beer to get through this. Hold on.
Okay, back. I am doing this "in tandem with hoppy freshness", this beer can informs me. I am also exhorted to "Pack It In Pack It Out", because this is the type of shit yuppies take on camping trips, but I would really rather Pack It Up.
BEER ONE COMPLETION: PAGE SIX
- "Double crap"! Meta commentary already?
- Socoffeesuperhero cast Cillian Murphy as someone in the book, right and I didn't know who. But then Christian Grey rolls up and I'm like FUCKING HIM NOW AND FOREVER.
So henceforth is name is Cillian Murphy.
I forgot what Ana looks like already. She has no actress. And all the immaculate blondes are identical Cameron Diazes.
- What the actual fuck does a "white leather buttoned L-shaped couch" look like? I am legit confused. Like, is it one of those couches with the buttons in the back so it looks kinda poofy? Like this? I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THIS MUCH MENTAL WORK FOR A COUCH
- Page seven: already called Cillian Murphy an Adonis
JSYK now that he's Cillian Murphy I'm scared of him. His name is Jonathan Crane now.
- "Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I'm very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn't what inspires them, and how to incentivize them."
OH MY GOD HE REALLY IS JONATHAN CRANE I WAS RIGHT SOMEBODY HOLD ME
- THIS IS LIKE COLLARME WROTE A BOOK
- I wouldn't let this dude top me. I wouldn't let this dude in my front door. I feel like you might have to invite him in, like a vampire.
- So Twilight is a really effective (not well written- effective) book if you read it as a horror novel, right?
THIS IS ALREADY A HORROR NOVEL
RUN, BITCH
- "Double crap" count: 2
- Headkobo count: 1
- I think Kate might think everybody is gay.
I think that would make this book better. Then this shit would never have happened.
- FLAG ON THE PLAY, POORLY DONE SHAKESPEARE REFERENCE, FIFTEEN YARD PENALTY
- Okay bullshit is Jose into Ana. Jose is gay. Let's all get this shit out of the way right now.
- AAAAAAAH NOOOOOOOOOO JONATHAN CRANE IS AT HER JOB, SOMEBODY INVITED HIM IN
SHE WORKS AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY FROM JONATHAN CRANE'S OFFICE
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME THE LAST TIME BUT RUN, ANA, RUN LIKE YOUR HEELS ARE ON FIRE AND YOUR ASS IS CATCHING
- Facepalm count: 1
- Okay, okay, they were living in Vancouver at the start of the book, I swear to you, and now they live in Portland. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.
- OH GOD. He comes to her job to buy cable ties, masking tape, and rope. I AM LEGIT SCARED FOR HER SAFETY Y'ALL
- Headkobo count: 2
- (5:09:49 PM) sabinelagrande: like, bitch needs a safe call and she's just going down to aisle eight with dude
(5:10:08 PM) coffeesuperhero: I KNOW RIGHT
- Facepalm count: 2 (these are literal, btw, not suggestions)
- My lord almighty.
I just.
I SWORE I would make it to the sex, at the very least. I SWORE. I'm going to keep strong for you, flist. But I am also going to drink some more really fast. This shit is a book to read at Power Hour.
I might have to stop, get drunk, and then start again. But for now, I am going to guzzle beer two.
- Oh my god, fifteen excruciating pages of 'I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS MYSTERIOUS STRANGER AND I AM SCARED AND TURNED ON AND OH GOD' and all we get for the grand revelation?
"Okay- I like him."
So that happened.
- Who the fuck is Carla Bernstein? Is she trying to say she's a female Carl Bernstein (because that's a reference a 21 year old in 2012 would make, my students barely know what Whitewater is). LADY STOP WITH THE OBSCURE THROW-AWAY REFERENCES, OKAY.
- "My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me."
Well that's a new one. Also, for the love of GOD new speakers require paragraph breaks. Please, PLEASE. Esp. when they have MULTIPLE lines.
- Jose Rodriguez? Really? That is the best you could do?
- Awkward time to get a call from your dad, but alright.
- Facepalm count: 3
- "I very rarely throw my toys out of the pram [...]"
Look, I lived in England and I'm not even sure what this means. If you can't keep your American characters consistently American, make them half-British! Problem solved! Would it have changed anything at all? Fuck no!
BEER TWO COMPLETION: PAGE TWENTY-SIX
- I can't take the phrase "gray gaze" seriously anymore. Mostly it seems like a warning. STORM A-BREWIN', ANA, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN
- "'Ana, I think he definitely likes you,' [Kate] says with no preamble whatsoever. Jose glares at me with disapproval. 'But I don't trust him," she adds."
FUCKING THANK GOD AND HALLELUIAH
Kate gets to be Gwyneth Paltrow now. She has proven herself worthy.
- I HAVE HAD FUCKING ENOUGH OF THIS ELECTRIC CURRENT EVERY TIME THEY TOUCH HANDS
- (6:17:06 PM) sabinelagrande: SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS BEER ERIN
(6:17:17 PM) sabinelagrande: IT'S NOT WORKING
(6:17:17 PM) coffeesuperhero: HOW CAN IT BE WRONG MY LOVE
(6:17:25 PM) coffeesuperhero: D:
(6:17:28 PM) sabinelagrande: I'M ON THREE AND I REALLY STILL CANNOT HANDLE THIS
- This bitch has never held hands with anyone.
THIS BITCH IS TWENTY-ONE
God now it makes SO FUCKING MUCH SENSE that she was reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles at the beginning. She probably thought it was a love story.
- PLEASE BE GAY JONATHAN CRANE
This dude is so much creepier than Edward Cullen.
- I am finally to Chapter Four. I am told there is fucking in Chapter Eight. I can do this. I am a strong woman.
- Gwyneth Palrow just called Ana a "total babe." She may get fired.
- LORD IF YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT AMAZON PACKAGES LOOK LIKE
JUST GO HOME
TAKE THE BEER'S ADVICE, PACK IT IN PACK IT OUT PACK IT UP AND GO HOME
- Thomas Hardy never asked for this. Well. TBH he kind of did, but I like Thomas Hardy, okay, but I don't find that shit romantic. Angel is a DICK.
- Jose Luis Rodriguez.
God, white people.
- ........did she just fucking drunk dial Jonathan Crane?
She just fucking drunk dialed Jonathan Crane.
And her swarthy Latin friend just tried to kiss her while they were drunk.
WHITE PEOPLE.
- Headbeer count: 1
BEER THREE COMPLETION: PAGE FORTY-FOUR
- So Jonathan Crane just rolled up to save her from the sexual advances of her brown friend.
No me chingues.
- Headkobo count: 3
It actually really hurt this time. But it was justified because he TRACKED HER CELL PHONE to come and find her after she drunk dialed him.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
- She just threw up all over his shoes, right, because she's drunk as shit, and legit he then TAKES HER OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR. TAKE THIS POOR BITCH HOME SO SHE CAN SLEEP IT OFF AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE BRUSH HER TEETH.
- Headkobo count: 4 and 5
DUDE IT IS NOT LEGIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL BACK TO YOUR HOTEL AND UNDRESS HER, THAT BITCH CAN SLEEP IN HER CLOTHES WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
- Soooooo much funnier when he refers to himself as a "dark knight" when you realize he is Jonathan Crane.
- BITCH STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR MEDULLA OBLONGATA YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT DOES
- Like, okay, after she's made a drunken fool of herself and he's taken her back to his hotel room Jesus CHRIST, the next morning he tells her 'If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after that stunt' (paraphrase). And she's all "WHAT IF I WERE HIS THAT WOULD BE AMAZING."
It does not for one SECOND weird her out that he just threatened her with a severe punishment spanking. She doesn't even have a 'Wait, what? He's into that? Alright, sweet' moment.
What is WRONG with this author.
- "why does he catch me on the back foot?"
Okay what the fuck does that even mean? AMERICAN ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT
I have done academic work on Britpicking, okay, so let me say that I get it, in both directions, why British fandoms are so insistent on Britpick and why a lot of authors in American fandoms refuse/don't care. But this is a PROFESSIONALLY PUBLISHED BOOK. THIS IS NOT PEOPLE HAVING FUN AND DICKING AROUND. THIS IS SOMETHING PEOPLE PAID MONEY FOR FOR SOME STRANGE REASON.
Jesus H. Christ.
- Dude she talks to her subconscious a LOT. It never gives her good advice.
- This... this ain't right. I just. It ain't right. This is some shit people warn you about. If they don't, they should. Something about him buying her frilly underpants is just... it ain't right and I don't know why.
- More British. Top-of-the-line, not range. Jesus these are REALLY SIMPLE THINGS somebody could have caught on the barest once-over.
- Headkobo count: 6. This time I actually managed to turn the page doing it.
- Okay, okay, I found one paragraph that was legit funny. 55 pages in. So there's that. But he's like (very creepily) 'I'm not touching you until I have your written consent' (goddamn give a bitch a minute to figure her shit out, don't be jumping on to contracts when you haven't even kissed), and she's like 'OH SHIT WHY, IS HE A MOBSTER, IS HE RELIGIOUS, IS HE IMPOTENT, SHIT WHAT'S WRONG', and I giggled.
- Facepalm count: 4
- UGH HIS TOOTHBRUSH, SHE'S PERVING ON HIS TOOTHBRUSH, I AM OFFICIALLY GROSSED OUT
THROW YOUR TOOTHBRUSH OUT JONATHAN CRANE
- Okay w/e he attacks her in the elevator I think we all knew that was coming, but "It's only just not painful." - This sentence is bothering me more. I sort of know what she's talking about?
Also wtf he def just threw her up against an elevator wall and is holding her down and kissing her- look that's legit but let's talk about it first. This is, like, her first kiss.
- IF I NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT TONGUES DANCING AGAIN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I WILL DIE A HAPPY WOMAN
- Facepalm count: 5
- And now, he's like, hard and rubbing against her, and I know this is supposed to have been sexually charged and everything, but for fuck's sake.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE REACHED THE FABLED INNER GODDESS
LONG MAY SHE REIGN
- Okay I kinda love Emmett- I mean, Elliot though. Once again,coffeesuperhero and I agree that he gets to be Tom Hardy.
- Headkobo count: 7.
"Laters, baby."
LATERS.
- I'm not going to count the inner goddesses, btw, if you were wondering, because we've already got two, and it's been three pages.
- Okay now I am almost CERTAIN she doesn't know Portland's not in Canada.
- Headkobo count: 8
BLADE RUNNER IS TWO WORDS GOD FUCKING DAMMIT OFF WITH HER HEAD
- Fifteen minute break for dinner, you guys. I'm flagging. This is just... It's too bad. It is just too bad.
- And we're back, just in time for the helicopter ride to end. That's right, he straight just took her on a helicopter ride from Portland (which is in Canada) to Seattle.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.
- People clamber a hell of a lot in this book. Somebody learned a new word.
BEER FOUR COMPLETION: PAGE SIXTY-NINE (heh)
I'm going to see how far I can get with no beer. Can I stand it? Who can say?
- "Room is the wrong word.
It's not a room- it's a mission statement."
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES THAT MEAN
- Headkobo count: 9
Okay before I was kinda joking around when I said she thought Tess of the D'Urbervilles (why has this poor, poor book been dragged into this?) was a love story, but he legit just compared himself to Alec D'Urberville and she was like 'sounds good to me.'
WHY, STORY, WHY
- In fairness, when he says, "I don't make love. I fuck... hard." other than the unnecessary ellipses (ellipses are always unnecessary, imho), I kinda got his back on that one. She needs to catch up to the party on that one.
- Facepalm count: 6
- I never want to hear another room referred to as "womb-like", ever. Ever ever. No amount of brain bleach will get that out.
- Blah blah blah implement porn, blah blah blah I never learned the difference between the words sadist, top, and dominant, blah blah blah I think I have to capitalize the word dominant every time
- OH WHAT THE FUCK COLOR IS "SCORCHING GRAY"
- Okay we are reaaaaally getting to the part she wrote one-handed, because the punctuation, which was not good but was passable for non-professional work (note that this is professional work) has suddenly gone all over the place.
- All this, taking her into his house and being like, hey baby here's my dungeon, hey baby here's the bedroom I already picked out for you because that's not weird or anything, and the thing that gets her, the ONE THING she complains about:
He won't sleep in the same bed with her.
I shit you not.
- But Jesus goddamn can I express to you how happy I am that they are negotiating? My standards for this type of thing are abysmally low, but Jesus Christ at least they're doing SOMETHING correctly.
But god this is a shittily written contract. There are sentence fragments in here, ffs. Mister Business Dominate should know better than this. Every Twoo Dominate should have contract writing in His skillset.
My GOD.
- Oh god I thought for one second his Hard Limits page was blank and I laughed and laughed.
- Big Domly Dom Jonathan Crane doesn't do fireplay? Come the fuck on. Dude seriously unless you're afraid of the drapes catching, you need to man up.
- Also for real how are you mad at her for not telling you she was a virgin? Unless you asked or the subject of you two fucking came up- which it didn't except her going 'Are we gonna fuck?' and you going 'No'- you do not have any right to be pissed off.
Ass.
- Headkobo count: 10 through 12
what is this i don't even
- WHAT IS IT WITH LIP-BITING EVERY THIRTY SECONDS
I THOUGHT IT WAS KINDA HOT UNTIL THIS
- So this summer when I was at the LSA Institute, we did an exercise on Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, which is exactly as ridic as you would think it is, concerning gender politics and heteronormativity. What we were looking at were the 'Things you should say to your lover during sex' pages, which contain the most, just, just fucking appallingly cheesy things.
I swear to GOD some of them are in this story.
- Okay if dude has just taken you to his dungeon we should be past using the words "behind" and "erection" in the hard fucking. Sadly I know that this condition will not change, but that's mass-marketed erotica for you.
- Look, I'll be the one to say this, I ain't scared: NAVELS ARE GROSS. I understand that they are A Symbology, but for real, just no. Does the phrase "belly-button lint" mean anything to you?
- This bitch got to get some synonyms. I'm tired of hearing that everything is "hot". If somebody just smacked her with a thesaurus, we could all go free. Also the hell is with everybody wearing Converse all the time? Do people just never wear other shoes in this world?
- Oh god the thing with the nose is true.
"He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him.
There."
THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
- And again, STOP CALLING IT "there" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. You don't even have to be profane, just say 'between my thighs' or some poetic shit like that.
- UGH NAVELS AGAIN
(Is it just me? Is this just my squick? W/e it's my liveblog, HATERS GONNA HATE)
- Headkobo count: 13-15
"His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez."
I CAN'T. I CAN. NOT.
- Aggghhhh I don't even know if I can talk about this it's so desperately unsexy.
BUT I MUST
So she's having that 'Shit is that thing gonna fit' moment, as one does, and no shit this happens:
"'Don't worry,' he breathes, his eyes on mine, "You expand too.'" (sic)
CHRIST WHY, WHY
- He stuck it in.
HE JUST STUCK IT IN.
"'I'm going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,' he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. 'Hard,' he whispers, and he slams into me."
Notes:
1. WARN A BITCH
2. SHE IS A VIRGIN
3. EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS
- Everything, EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS.
Virgins coming like it ain't no thang, a ripping "virginity", being totally cool with the hard fucking when you've only just started the fucking at all. This is. This is fucking horrible.
I was trying to do this last part without alcohol.
That was stupid.
I want another drink.
- Back now. Prepare yourselves. We're going back in. And so is Jonathan Crane, apparently, because they JUST got done fucking (there was no mention of blood, of course, despite the fact that she never even masturbated before this) and now he's already, like, revving her up for round two. Ambitious motherfucker.
- Spoke too soon, little bit of blood there, in a 'sexy' way, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure bloodplay was on the hard limits list. And this dude, he's already going "I want to fuck your mouth" and dude she JUST gave it up, Jonathan Crane LEARN SOME GODDAMN MANNERS
- "'We're going to go real, slow this time, Anastasia,' he breathes."
I just, this punctuation, I keep picturing him with Morpheus glasses going 'We're going to go real.'
- There is so much in here where I'm like, maybe that would be hot but TWENTY MINUTES AGO SHE WAS A VIRGIN THIS IS NOT A GOOD LEARNING CURVE
- "'You. Are. So. Sweet,' he murmurs between each thrust. 'I. Want. You. So. Much.'"
Dear. God. Kill. Me. Now.
- I def read "moppet-haired kid" (yeah I don't quite know what that means either, he was "copper-haired" a sentence ago) as 'muppet-haired' and now I am REALLY sad it was incorrect.
- Oh, right, there was blood, it just came up later. DO-OVER, EVERYONE BACK TO YOUR PLACES
- FUCKING STOP TALKING TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS IT IS CRAZIER THAN YOU ARE.
- I just looked over the edge of the laptop and saw Jeff Bridges staring at me from the Iron Man DVD case that is apparently there.
Dammit Obadiah, my thoughts about you are SO inappropriate, though oddly appropriate for this book.
On that note, I'd like to take a moment to thank the cocktail that is presently getting me through this, the Agent Coulson. It went viral maybe a week or so ago, but if you have not seen the recipe, it goes:
Equal parts of
Shake with ice. TBH I like it over ice, because it's kind of thick; I also recommend heavy on the lemonade and light on the liqueurs, because again, kinda thick. When you are done, it looks like this:
Don't you judge me.
- I am starting to worry about her and her subconscious.
I'm starting to think that maybe the subconscious is the real Ana, and this is all a weird fantasy the real Ana is having that she's mad at herself for having.
Whoa.
- Dude for serious though Twinings- no apostrophe btw- is not the height of tea-related sophistication. You're fucking Jonathan Crane here, make his ass go get you some loose leaf. IIRC Twinings even makes loose leaf.
Jesus.
- MANPAIN OFF THE STARBOARD BOW
- I believe I am about to hit the scene I have been promised, which contains what may be my new favorite expression. Stay tuned.
- More British? "'Water and iPods- not a clever combination.'"
IDK.
- Accidentally hit the home button.
TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT READ. MY GOD JESUS ALMIGHTY
- Huh. There has now actually been a scene that I found legitimately attractive, by page 97. Well played, book.
- WE HAVE TAKEN A TURN FOR THE WORSE AND I WAS CORRECT ABOUT WHAT SCENE THIS WAS
He's, like, taken his time washing her and that part was kinda hot, and he turns around and he's basically like, 'Welp, time for you to wash my dick' and she's like 'K' so she gets her hands all soapy and starts jerking him off, and then all of a sudden she just leans down and puts it in her mouth.
SHE IS SUCKING SOAPY DICK.
THIS BOOK SUCKS SOAPY DICK.
(We ain't even gonna mention the fact that there's scented bath oil in here.)
- "He's my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle."
I think he's prob. soap favored, but that's just me.
- YET ANOTHER SIGHTING OF ADONIS
Goes with her inner goddess. Yeah. And more clambering. I feel like I could write this book now.
'He clambered into the tub, and my subconscious was outraged at my behavior, jumping up and down and yelling at me. While he looked at me with his scorching gray gaze, his soapy hands cupped me intimately, there, awakening my inner goddess... Jeez."
And that is, officially, as much as I can take of this book.
Along the way, we racked up
6 facepalms
15 instances of head-ereader interaction
1 instance of head-beer interaction
4 cans of Fat Tire
1 Agent Coulson
half a bag of Doritos
exactly 100 pages
Time to Pack It Up, ladies and smizmars. Thank you, and good night.
This entry was automagically crossposted from http://sabinetzin.dreamwidth.org/414687.html.
comments over there.
Today is the day I read Fifty Shades of Grey.
I will, you understand, be liveblogging this process in this entry. I will give you the same caveats as my co-conspirator
coffeesuperhero:Things I cannot promise you:
+ that I will be funny
+ that I will be sorry for doing this
+ that you will enjoy this in any way
Things I can promise you:
+ I will definitely think I'm funny
+ I will drink a lot
+ I will finish this book (ETA: It is already clear I am going to go into liver failure before this happens.)
Finally, don't try this at home, kids. (I'm guessing that's going to be a general theme for the book, by the way.)
I am presently on my first few sips of beer (it was going to be cheap shitty beer, but they were having a craft beer sale for no apparent reason, so Fat Tire will be my solace) and the Acknowledgements (I am already giving them the side-eye), so check back periodically.
Here we go.
- "For Niall, the master of my universe"
Ohhhh this is gonna be outstanding. It is also reported that Niall is a "domestic god." Does anyone else suspect that Niall is a twoo dominate?
- I am two pageturns in and losing it. I don't know if I can do this.
- FLAG ON THE PLAY, USE OF THE WORD "GAMINE", LOSS OF DOWN
- Oh god, so our heroine's roommate drives a Benz and our heroine is all 'poor me' because she drives a VW Beetle. #firstworldproblems
- Her name cannot be Anastasia Steele, THIS SHIT IS CANCELED
- "The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor."
I am going to promise you something, readers: if I put something in double quotes, it is an ACTUAL quote from the book that I did NOT make up. I am not fucking you around. This is too bad for me to have made it up.
- Okay, okay, so Ana here, she has to go interview this guy who I assume is the head Dominate of this book, right? Because her sick roommate can't go to the interview, which is a bfd, and her roommate is the editor of the school paper.
DOES NO ONE ELSE WORK AT THIS NEWSPAPER
- "What is it with all the immaculate blondes?"
YOU TELL ME. I'MMA START COUNTING. I THINK THIS IS FOUR. WE ARE ON PAGE FIVE.
- OH GOD. We've already had the delightfully clumsy heroine moment, which is supposed to be endearing, but we are already past that point, man.
I am legit going to have to slam this beer to get through this. Hold on.
Okay, back. I am doing this "in tandem with hoppy freshness", this beer can informs me. I am also exhorted to "Pack It In Pack It Out", because this is the type of shit yuppies take on camping trips, but I would really rather Pack It Up.
BEER ONE COMPLETION: PAGE SIX
- "Double crap"! Meta commentary already?
- So
coffeesuperhero cast Cillian Murphy as someone in the book, right and I didn't know who. But then Christian Grey rolls up and I'm like FUCKING HIM NOW AND FOREVER.So henceforth is name is Cillian Murphy.
I forgot what Ana looks like already. She has no actress. And all the immaculate blondes are identical Cameron Diazes.
- What the actual fuck does a "white leather buttoned L-shaped couch" look like? I am legit confused. Like, is it one of those couches with the buttons in the back so it looks kinda poofy? Like this? I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO THIS MUCH MENTAL WORK FOR A COUCH
- Page seven: already called Cillian Murphy an Adonis
JSYK now that he's Cillian Murphy I'm scared of him. His name is Jonathan Crane now.
- "Business is all about people, Miss Steele, and I'm very good at judging people. I know how they tick, what makes them flourish, what doesn't what inspires them, and how to incentivize them."
OH MY GOD HE REALLY IS JONATHAN CRANE I WAS RIGHT SOMEBODY HOLD ME
- THIS IS LIKE COLLARME WROTE A BOOK
- I wouldn't let this dude top me. I wouldn't let this dude in my front door. I feel like you might have to invite him in, like a vampire.
- So Twilight is a really effective (not well written- effective) book if you read it as a horror novel, right?
THIS IS ALREADY A HORROR NOVEL
RUN, BITCH
- "Double crap" count: 2
- Headkobo count: 1
- I think Kate might think everybody is gay.
I think that would make this book better. Then this shit would never have happened.
- FLAG ON THE PLAY, POORLY DONE SHAKESPEARE REFERENCE, FIFTEEN YARD PENALTY
- Okay bullshit is Jose into Ana. Jose is gay. Let's all get this shit out of the way right now.
- AAAAAAAH NOOOOOOOOOO JONATHAN CRANE IS AT HER JOB, SOMEBODY INVITED HIM IN
SHE WORKS AN HOUR AND A HALF AWAY FROM JONATHAN CRANE'S OFFICE
I KNOW YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE ME THE LAST TIME BUT RUN, ANA, RUN LIKE YOUR HEELS ARE ON FIRE AND YOUR ASS IS CATCHING
- Facepalm count: 1
- Okay, okay, they were living in Vancouver at the start of the book, I swear to you, and now they live in Portland. WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN.
- OH GOD. He comes to her job to buy cable ties, masking tape, and rope. I AM LEGIT SCARED FOR HER SAFETY Y'ALL
- Headkobo count: 2
- (5:09:49 PM) sabinelagrande: like, bitch needs a safe call and she's just going down to aisle eight with dude
(5:10:08 PM) coffeesuperhero: I KNOW RIGHT
- Facepalm count: 2 (these are literal, btw, not suggestions)
- My lord almighty.
I just.
I SWORE I would make it to the sex, at the very least. I SWORE. I'm going to keep strong for you, flist. But I am also going to drink some more really fast. This shit is a book to read at Power Hour.
I might have to stop, get drunk, and then start again. But for now, I am going to guzzle beer two.
- Oh my god, fifteen excruciating pages of 'I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT THIS MYSTERIOUS STRANGER AND I AM SCARED AND TURNED ON AND OH GOD' and all we get for the grand revelation?
"Okay- I like him."
So that happened.
- Who the fuck is Carla Bernstein? Is she trying to say she's a female Carl Bernstein (because that's a reference a 21 year old in 2012 would make, my students barely know what Whitewater is). LADY STOP WITH THE OBSCURE THROW-AWAY REFERENCES, OKAY.
- "My scalp prickles at the idea that maybe, just maybe, he might like me."
Well that's a new one. Also, for the love of GOD new speakers require paragraph breaks. Please, PLEASE. Esp. when they have MULTIPLE lines.
- Jose Rodriguez? Really? That is the best you could do?
- Awkward time to get a call from your dad, but alright.
- Facepalm count: 3
- "I very rarely throw my toys out of the pram [...]"
Look, I lived in England and I'm not even sure what this means. If you can't keep your American characters consistently American, make them half-British! Problem solved! Would it have changed anything at all? Fuck no!
BEER TWO COMPLETION: PAGE TWENTY-SIX
- I can't take the phrase "gray gaze" seriously anymore. Mostly it seems like a warning. STORM A-BREWIN', ANA, GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN
- "'Ana, I think he definitely likes you,' [Kate] says with no preamble whatsoever. Jose glares at me with disapproval. 'But I don't trust him," she adds."
FUCKING THANK GOD AND HALLELUIAH
Kate gets to be Gwyneth Paltrow now. She has proven herself worthy.
- I HAVE HAD FUCKING ENOUGH OF THIS ELECTRIC CURRENT EVERY TIME THEY TOUCH HANDS
- (6:17:06 PM) sabinelagrande: SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THIS BEER ERIN
(6:17:17 PM) sabinelagrande: IT'S NOT WORKING
(6:17:17 PM) coffeesuperhero: HOW CAN IT BE WRONG MY LOVE
(6:17:25 PM) coffeesuperhero: D:
(6:17:28 PM) sabinelagrande: I'M ON THREE AND I REALLY STILL CANNOT HANDLE THIS
- This bitch has never held hands with anyone.
THIS BITCH IS TWENTY-ONE
God now it makes SO FUCKING MUCH SENSE that she was reading Tess of the D'Urbervilles at the beginning. She probably thought it was a love story.
- PLEASE BE GAY JONATHAN CRANE
This dude is so much creepier than Edward Cullen.
- I am finally to Chapter Four. I am told there is fucking in Chapter Eight. I can do this. I am a strong woman.
- Gwyneth Palrow just called Ana a "total babe." She may get fired.
- LORD IF YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHAT AMAZON PACKAGES LOOK LIKE
JUST GO HOME
TAKE THE BEER'S ADVICE, PACK IT IN PACK IT OUT PACK IT UP AND GO HOME
- Thomas Hardy never asked for this. Well. TBH he kind of did, but I like Thomas Hardy, okay, but I don't find that shit romantic. Angel is a DICK.
- Jose Luis Rodriguez.
God, white people.
- ........did she just fucking drunk dial Jonathan Crane?
She just fucking drunk dialed Jonathan Crane.
And her swarthy Latin friend just tried to kiss her while they were drunk.
WHITE PEOPLE.
- Headbeer count: 1
BEER THREE COMPLETION: PAGE FORTY-FOUR
- So Jonathan Crane just rolled up to save her from the sexual advances of her brown friend.
No me chingues.
- Headkobo count: 3
It actually really hurt this time. But it was justified because he TRACKED HER CELL PHONE to come and find her after she drunk dialed him.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
- She just threw up all over his shoes, right, because she's drunk as shit, and legit he then TAKES HER OUT ONTO THE DANCE FLOOR. TAKE THIS POOR BITCH HOME SO SHE CAN SLEEP IT OFF AND FOR FUCK'S SAKE BRUSH HER TEETH.
- Headkobo count: 4 and 5
DUDE IT IS NOT LEGIT TO TAKE THIS GIRL BACK TO YOUR HOTEL AND UNDRESS HER, THAT BITCH CAN SLEEP IN HER CLOTHES WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU
- Soooooo much funnier when he refers to himself as a "dark knight" when you realize he is Jonathan Crane.
- BITCH STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR MEDULLA OBLONGATA YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT DOES
- Like, okay, after she's made a drunken fool of herself and he's taken her back to his hotel room Jesus CHRIST, the next morning he tells her 'If you were mine, you wouldn't be able to sit down for a week after that stunt' (paraphrase). And she's all "WHAT IF I WERE HIS THAT WOULD BE AMAZING."
It does not for one SECOND weird her out that he just threatened her with a severe punishment spanking. She doesn't even have a 'Wait, what? He's into that? Alright, sweet' moment.
What is WRONG with this author.
- "why does he catch me on the back foot?"
Okay what the fuck does that even mean? AMERICAN ENGLISH, MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT
I have done academic work on Britpicking, okay, so let me say that I get it, in both directions, why British fandoms are so insistent on Britpick and why a lot of authors in American fandoms refuse/don't care. But this is a PROFESSIONALLY PUBLISHED BOOK. THIS IS NOT PEOPLE HAVING FUN AND DICKING AROUND. THIS IS SOMETHING PEOPLE PAID MONEY FOR FOR SOME STRANGE REASON.
Jesus H. Christ.
- Dude she talks to her subconscious a LOT. It never gives her good advice.
- This... this ain't right. I just. It ain't right. This is some shit people warn you about. If they don't, they should. Something about him buying her frilly underpants is just... it ain't right and I don't know why.
- More British. Top-of-the-line, not range. Jesus these are REALLY SIMPLE THINGS somebody could have caught on the barest once-over.
- Headkobo count: 6. This time I actually managed to turn the page doing it.
- Okay, okay, I found one paragraph that was legit funny. 55 pages in. So there's that. But he's like (very creepily) 'I'm not touching you until I have your written consent' (goddamn give a bitch a minute to figure her shit out, don't be jumping on to contracts when you haven't even kissed), and she's like 'OH SHIT WHY, IS HE A MOBSTER, IS HE RELIGIOUS, IS HE IMPOTENT, SHIT WHAT'S WRONG', and I giggled.
- Facepalm count: 4
- UGH HIS TOOTHBRUSH, SHE'S PERVING ON HIS TOOTHBRUSH, I AM OFFICIALLY GROSSED OUT
THROW YOUR TOOTHBRUSH OUT JONATHAN CRANE
- Okay w/e he attacks her in the elevator I think we all knew that was coming, but "It's only just not painful." - This sentence is bothering me more. I sort of know what she's talking about?
Also wtf he def just threw her up against an elevator wall and is holding her down and kissing her- look that's legit but let's talk about it first. This is, like, her first kiss.
- IF I NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT TONGUES DANCING AGAIN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE I WILL DIE A HAPPY WOMAN
- Facepalm count: 5
- And now, he's like, hard and rubbing against her, and I know this is supposed to have been sexually charged and everything, but for fuck's sake.
- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE REACHED THE FABLED INNER GODDESS
LONG MAY SHE REIGN
- Okay I kinda love Emmett- I mean, Elliot though. Once again,
coffeesuperhero and I agree that he gets to be Tom Hardy.- Headkobo count: 7.
"Laters, baby."
LATERS.
- I'm not going to count the inner goddesses, btw, if you were wondering, because we've already got two, and it's been three pages.
- Okay now I am almost CERTAIN she doesn't know Portland's not in Canada.
- Headkobo count: 8
BLADE RUNNER IS TWO WORDS GOD FUCKING DAMMIT OFF WITH HER HEAD
- Fifteen minute break for dinner, you guys. I'm flagging. This is just... It's too bad. It is just too bad.
- And we're back, just in time for the helicopter ride to end. That's right, he straight just took her on a helicopter ride from Portland (which is in Canada) to Seattle.
Once more unto the breach dear friends.
- People clamber a hell of a lot in this book. Somebody learned a new word.
BEER FOUR COMPLETION: PAGE SIXTY-NINE (heh)
I'm going to see how far I can get with no beer. Can I stand it? Who can say?
- "Room is the wrong word.
It's not a room- it's a mission statement."
WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES THAT MEAN
- Headkobo count: 9
Okay before I was kinda joking around when I said she thought Tess of the D'Urbervilles (why has this poor, poor book been dragged into this?) was a love story, but he legit just compared himself to Alec D'Urberville and she was like 'sounds good to me.'
WHY, STORY, WHY
- In fairness, when he says, "I don't make love. I fuck... hard." other than the unnecessary ellipses (ellipses are always unnecessary, imho), I kinda got his back on that one. She needs to catch up to the party on that one.
- Facepalm count: 6
- I never want to hear another room referred to as "womb-like", ever. Ever ever. No amount of brain bleach will get that out.
- Blah blah blah implement porn, blah blah blah I never learned the difference between the words sadist, top, and dominant, blah blah blah I think I have to capitalize the word dominant every time
- OH WHAT THE FUCK COLOR IS "SCORCHING GRAY"
- Okay we are reaaaaally getting to the part she wrote one-handed, because the punctuation, which was not good but was passable for non-professional work (note that this is professional work) has suddenly gone all over the place.
- All this, taking her into his house and being like, hey baby here's my dungeon, hey baby here's the bedroom I already picked out for you because that's not weird or anything, and the thing that gets her, the ONE THING she complains about:
He won't sleep in the same bed with her.
I shit you not.
- But Jesus goddamn can I express to you how happy I am that they are negotiating? My standards for this type of thing are abysmally low, but Jesus Christ at least they're doing SOMETHING correctly.
But god this is a shittily written contract. There are sentence fragments in here, ffs. Mister Business Dominate should know better than this. Every Twoo Dominate should have contract writing in His skillset.
My GOD.
- Oh god I thought for one second his Hard Limits page was blank and I laughed and laughed.
- Big Domly Dom Jonathan Crane doesn't do fireplay? Come the fuck on. Dude seriously unless you're afraid of the drapes catching, you need to man up.
- Also for real how are you mad at her for not telling you she was a virgin? Unless you asked or the subject of you two fucking came up- which it didn't except her going 'Are we gonna fuck?' and you going 'No'- you do not have any right to be pissed off.
Ass.
- Headkobo count: 10 through 12
what is this i don't even
- WHAT IS IT WITH LIP-BITING EVERY THIRTY SECONDS
I THOUGHT IT WAS KINDA HOT UNTIL THIS
- So this summer when I was at the LSA Institute, we did an exercise on Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, which is exactly as ridic as you would think it is, concerning gender politics and heteronormativity. What we were looking at were the 'Things you should say to your lover during sex' pages, which contain the most, just, just fucking appallingly cheesy things.
I swear to GOD some of them are in this story.
- Okay if dude has just taken you to his dungeon we should be past using the words "behind" and "erection" in the hard fucking. Sadly I know that this condition will not change, but that's mass-marketed erotica for you.
- Look, I'll be the one to say this, I ain't scared: NAVELS ARE GROSS. I understand that they are A Symbology, but for real, just no. Does the phrase "belly-button lint" mean anything to you?
- This bitch got to get some synonyms. I'm tired of hearing that everything is "hot". If somebody just smacked her with a thesaurus, we could all go free. Also the hell is with everybody wearing Converse all the time? Do people just never wear other shoes in this world?
- Oh god the thing with the nose is true.
"He leans forward, running his nose up the apex between my thighs. I feel him.
There."
THAT. JUST. HAPPENED.
- And again, STOP CALLING IT "there" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. You don't even have to be profane, just say 'between my thighs' or some poetic shit like that.
- UGH NAVELS AGAIN
(Is it just me? Is this just my squick? W/e it's my liveblog, HATERS GONNA HATE)
- Headkobo count: 13-15
"His hand moves down my waist, to my hips, and then cups me, intimately... Jeez."
I CAN'T. I CAN. NOT.
- Aggghhhh I don't even know if I can talk about this it's so desperately unsexy.
BUT I MUST
So she's having that 'Shit is that thing gonna fit' moment, as one does, and no shit this happens:
"'Don't worry,' he breathes, his eyes on mine, "You expand too.'" (sic)
CHRIST WHY, WHY
- He stuck it in.
HE JUST STUCK IT IN.
"'I'm going to fuck you now, Miss Steele,' he murmurs as he positions the head of his erection at the entrance of my sex. 'Hard,' he whispers, and he slams into me."
Notes:
1. WARN A BITCH
2. SHE IS A VIRGIN
3. EVERYTHING ELSE THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS
- Everything, EVERYTHING IS WRONG WITH THIS.
Virgins coming like it ain't no thang, a ripping "virginity", being totally cool with the hard fucking when you've only just started the fucking at all. This is. This is fucking horrible.
I was trying to do this last part without alcohol.
That was stupid.
I want another drink.
- Back now. Prepare yourselves. We're going back in. And so is Jonathan Crane, apparently, because they JUST got done fucking (there was no mention of blood, of course, despite the fact that she never even masturbated before this) and now he's already, like, revving her up for round two. Ambitious motherfucker.
- Spoke too soon, little bit of blood there, in a 'sexy' way, despite the fact that I'm pretty sure bloodplay was on the hard limits list. And this dude, he's already going "I want to fuck your mouth" and dude she JUST gave it up, Jonathan Crane LEARN SOME GODDAMN MANNERS
- "'We're going to go real, slow this time, Anastasia,' he breathes."
I just, this punctuation, I keep picturing him with Morpheus glasses going 'We're going to go real.'
- There is so much in here where I'm like, maybe that would be hot but TWENTY MINUTES AGO SHE WAS A VIRGIN THIS IS NOT A GOOD LEARNING CURVE
- "'You. Are. So. Sweet,' he murmurs between each thrust. 'I. Want. You. So. Much.'"
Dear. God. Kill. Me. Now.
- I def read "moppet-haired kid" (yeah I don't quite know what that means either, he was "copper-haired" a sentence ago) as 'muppet-haired' and now I am REALLY sad it was incorrect.
- Oh, right, there was blood, it just came up later. DO-OVER, EVERYONE BACK TO YOUR PLACES
- FUCKING STOP TALKING TO YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS IT IS CRAZIER THAN YOU ARE.
- I just looked over the edge of the laptop and saw Jeff Bridges staring at me from the Iron Man DVD case that is apparently there.
Dammit Obadiah, my thoughts about you are SO inappropriate, though oddly appropriate for this book.
On that note, I'd like to take a moment to thank the cocktail that is presently getting me through this, the Agent Coulson. It went viral maybe a week or so ago, but if you have not seen the recipe, it goes:
Equal parts of
- Cointreau (I use O3 because Cointreau is some shit that I would have to send Jonathan Crane to the store to buy)
- Gin
- White rum
- Vodka
- Triple sec
- Clear lemonade
Shake with ice. TBH I like it over ice, because it's kind of thick; I also recommend heavy on the lemonade and light on the liqueurs, because again, kinda thick. When you are done, it looks like this:
Don't you judge me.
- I am starting to worry about her and her subconscious.
I'm starting to think that maybe the subconscious is the real Ana, and this is all a weird fantasy the real Ana is having that she's mad at herself for having.
Whoa.
- Dude for serious though Twinings- no apostrophe btw- is not the height of tea-related sophistication. You're fucking Jonathan Crane here, make his ass go get you some loose leaf. IIRC Twinings even makes loose leaf.
Jesus.
- MANPAIN OFF THE STARBOARD BOW
- I believe I am about to hit the scene I have been promised, which contains what may be my new favorite expression. Stay tuned.
- More British? "'Water and iPods- not a clever combination.'"
IDK.
- Accidentally hit the home button.
TWENTY-EIGHT PERCENT READ. MY GOD JESUS ALMIGHTY
- Huh. There has now actually been a scene that I found legitimately attractive, by page 97. Well played, book.
- WE HAVE TAKEN A TURN FOR THE WORSE AND I WAS CORRECT ABOUT WHAT SCENE THIS WAS
He's, like, taken his time washing her and that part was kinda hot, and he turns around and he's basically like, 'Welp, time for you to wash my dick' and she's like 'K' so she gets her hands all soapy and starts jerking him off, and then all of a sudden she just leans down and puts it in her mouth.
SHE IS SUCKING SOAPY DICK.
THIS BOOK SUCKS SOAPY DICK.
(We ain't even gonna mention the fact that there's scented bath oil in here.)
- "He's my very own Christian Grey flavor popsicle."
I think he's prob. soap favored, but that's just me.
- YET ANOTHER SIGHTING OF ADONIS
Goes with her inner goddess. Yeah. And more clambering. I feel like I could write this book now.
'He clambered into the tub, and my subconscious was outraged at my behavior, jumping up and down and yelling at me. While he looked at me with his scorching gray gaze, his soapy hands cupped me intimately, there, awakening my inner goddess... Jeez."
And that is, officially, as much as I can take of this book.
Along the way, we racked up
6 facepalms
15 instances of head-ereader interaction
1 instance of head-beer interaction
4 cans of Fat Tire
1 Agent Coulson
half a bag of Doritos
exactly 100 pages
Time to Pack It Up, ladies and smizmars. Thank you, and good night.
This entry was automagically crossposted from http://sabinetzin.dreamwidth.org/414687.html.
